I Want To Tell You…

I want to tell you…

I received a text the other day that said “I want to tell you that I know this time of year is hard for you, but you are not alone.  You are strong and resilient and while I know this isn’t the life you planned I am so proud of how you handle everything that comes your way. Just remember know matter where Chase and Olivia are on Christmas Eve they know how much you love them.”

While reading it I teared up.  I am so beyond thankful for my friends and family that have been there for me and check in on me and keep me going. 

Then I receive another text from another friend and it said “Christmas really sucks! It use to be my favorite and now it is just so hard.”

I teared up a little with that one too. Because I feel this so much! 

This is a subject I haven’t written about or discussed on social media really, but I think I am ready and most importantly I think that there are other mamas out there in my position that need to know they are not alone in their feelings. 

I have always stood firm on my belief that all moms know what it is like to be a single mom to a certain extent. All mothers are just trying to do their best for their children and trying to do it all and most of that responsibility falls on us whether we are married or not. 

However, this time of year makes emotions more amplified and it is hard in every way, every aspect if you are a single mom. 

Who is getting the kids for winter break?

Who gets them Christmas eve?

Christmas Day and New Years eve? 

 It is overwhelming to say the least, but the worst part of it is that at some point you are not going to be with your children on the holidays.  

I never imagined being a single mom and I certainly never imagined  spending a holiday without my children, but I am going on year 4 and it hasn’t become any easier.  

It still breaks me just a little.  And while I surround myself with my incredible tribe of family and friends it still hurts. There is still that piece of me missing on that day, there is still that wondering of what they are doing and seeing the magic on their little faces. There is still me smiling through the pain of it all.  

Growing up my parents made Christmas the most magical time of year.  When I was young in all honesty I wasn’t sure if I would be a mom. Part of me thought I was just going to be that super Aunt that spoils her nieces and nephews.  I always knew though if I did have children that I would give them the same Holiday experiences that my parents gave us.  

Our home was always warm, cozy, smelled of Christmas trees and spices and decorated from top to bottom.  Everything was made to feel special from  bundling up to get the tree to baking cookies.  It was just so magical. As I grew older  I had more fun helping my mom be the magic maker. I was the oldest of five and while I loved Christmas as a child I loved as a teen helping my parents create that magic for my siblings.  

Having a family and getting married was never on my wish list or a priority for me. I am not even sure why, but once I did reach that point where I knew I wanted to be a mom there was nothing else I wanted to be. Especially once my son was born. I didn’t know much as first time mom, but I knew that I knew how to do Christmas and I could not wait for that year after year. 

While there are so many hard things when you get divorced holidays are the hardest.  Sometimes I get lost in my failure to provide them with an unbroken family.  I also though realize I didn’t have much of a choice and I do believe I made the right decision for them. For all three of us.  It is a constant struggle that sometimes gets the best of me because I am happier now than I have been in years, but at the same time I am still broken that their family is not whole and they are constantly going back and forth. I always though make sure they know that even though it is just the three of us we are a family.

They say time heals all, but I don’t think I will ever be ok not seeing my little ones run down the stairs on Christmas morning.  Or tucking them in and reading the night before Christmas on Christmas Eve.  

I want to tell you that if you are a single mom that I see you, I am you. 

I want to tell you it won’t be easy, it will be difficult each year. 

I want to tell you that each year you will feel your heartbreak just a little, tears will flow unexpectedly, but you will be ok.  And then you won’t be ok.  And that is ok.  

I want to tell you that what I have learned is the most important thing you can do is to create your own traditions.  

I want to tell you to throw out the old ones,  to let go of what you use to do, to what you thought your holidays should be and to create your own.  

Holding onto what you envisioned will only steal your joy.  I know it is hard and part of you may always feel hurt by the what should have been, but look for what is and what could be.  Let go of expectations and plans you had.  Be proud of the things you have done on your own to make the holiday special.  Give yourself grace and know that whatever you do it is enough.  Try something new.  Rebrand old traditions and create new ones. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be magical.

This year we got a real Christmas tree. The kids have never had one and this year they asked.  So while I questioned my ability to do this we did. We dressed warm, sang carols, went to a tree farm, looked for the perfect tree and oddly the kids agreed on one they wanted with zero arguments. I think they were just so happy.  Then we had a little help cutting it down from the owners and shoved it into my car. While it was bent up and crammed in there we did it. We made it happen.  Thankfully my dad was ready with a stand and helped me put it in.  Even though I had some help I did it. We did it and my little ones were so happy.  

I want to tell you it’s ok to ask for help! Lean on others. Even though you may feel alone you don’t have to do it all alone. 

I want to tell you that no matter what day it is your children love you, look up to you and are counting down the hours until they are with you. 

I want to tell you that they can see how much you have changed, what you have overcome and how you still make them a priority and do your best every year to be the magic maker. 

I want to tell you this change isn’t easy on them either and it is easy to become self absorbed with our feelings but we need to remember that their lives were changed too. That this is difficult for them too.  

Which is why it is so important to make your own traditions, do all the things you want to do even if you don’t have them during the holiday.  Be present, create that magic and just give them all the love you can.  When they are grown and look back it isn’t the gifts you choose for them they will remember or the fact that each gift was wrapped perfect with a bow. They won’t remember if every outside tree had lights and if the house was perfectly decorated or not. They will remember how you were with them. What you did together and the moments you shared up until they unwrapped their gifts.

And when they aren’t with you hold onto those memories and know that you did all you could to give them the perfect Holiday even if it wasn’t on that actual day.  

I want to tell you while they are not with you try to find joy, peace and soak in the solitude because it will make you a better mother when they are back in your arms. And because you deserve that.  We all deserve joy and I think the first step to finding that is realizing that nothing will ever be the same and that is ok. 

I want to tell you to take a minute to reflect on all that you have gained instead of all that you have lost.  

I know for me personally I am so thankful for my family, the friendships I have and the things I have experienced the last few years. 

Mainly the old friends that have come back in my life, become so much closer to many of my friends and made new ones.  Unexpected ones in the most unexpected places. I am beyond grateful for all of these people and they have all been a huge part of shaping the person I am today and putting the pieces of me back together. 

I cherish the time I have spent with my family and the support they have given me is unmatched to anything I’ve ever seen and certainly more than I could have ever hoped for.  My family is my everything!  They have all stepped up from day one in their own way and there are no words that could explain how much that has meant. 

I have had experiences I never would have if I were still married and certainly wouldn’t have the friendships or career I have now if I still was and those are things to be grateful for.  Even in all the darkness there is always light. We just need to find it.  

I want to tell you that 2024 has been the absolute best of times and worst of times, so many laughs but so many tears, but at the end of the year I am thankful for the people in my life and the direction it is going even though I am not sure where that even is. Even though I am feeling a little lost. 

I want to tell you that next Wednesday will be my last night with my kids until I see them noon on Christmas Day. Already thinking about it is making my heart hurt, but Wednesday night we are going to bake cookies, have dinner, watch a Christmas movie and read the Night before Christmas and I will tuck them in.  And in the morning before they go to school I will give them a gift. We will have our own little Christmas Eve on the 18th . And then more of our traditions on Christmas Day.  

While they are not with me I will try my best to find the joy, but just because I may be smiling or out with family and friends doesn’t mean it still doesn’t hurt.  Finding people that understand that is everything.

I am also hold onto the fact that we are healthy, happy and at peace.  

Something that we did not have the last few years of my marriage. We separated Thanksgiving week that year. So I was thrown into the chaos right at the holiday season.  Looking back I was so lost, but some how my kids still had so much fun during Christmas. Large part due to my family that rallied around me, around them. So while I wish things were not this way for them I also understand the big picture of it all this is what is best for them. One day I hope they can see that. 

We may not have what other families have but we have each other and we find so much joy in the little things, our little traditions and moments and that is everything.  Perspective is everything.  We have found so much joy in our journey.  That in and of itself is something to celebrate.  

Sending you all so much love and big hugs this holiday season and always. 

Cheers to new traditions, making magic and finding our own joy. 

Some of our Traditions:

Christmas Cards:

For awhile I didn’t send out cards because I ridiculously thought we weren’t a family now.  But we are. We are more than ever so I decided to get that photo session and send out those cards. Do it!  And I can help! You will want those photos, your little ones will want those photos. It is about you and your kids.  

Christmas Lights:

We always drive around with snacks looking at lights listening to Christmas Music. 

Cookies:

Baking cookies whether they are homemade or break and bake the kids will love it. 

Gingerbread houses:

Sometimes we buy the kits. Other times we make our own icing, buy our candies and use graham crackers.

Decoration the tree:

Whether it is real or fake, big or small put it up, turn on those Christmas tunes and let your little ones have at it. 

Movie Nights:

We actually started each year a new tradition.  We write down our favorite movies.  And then on the the nights we can have movie nights the kids take turns picking one from a hat and that is the movie we watch that night.  

Sometimes we will run to the movie theater buy popcorn to take home for our movies. 

Because what is better than movie theater popcorn.

Ornaments:

Each year I take the kids to pick an ornament and write a date on it. 

Each year we make an ornament as well.

Game nights:

We sit around the tree and play board games

Kind Cards:

I have the kids make crafts or cards to give to others

Crafts: 

Each year we do a christmas craft or two. 

There is no wrong way to do the holidays! And yours doesn’t have to look like others.