Back to School: Dear Chase

Somehow this summer flew by faster then those of the past it seems for me.  While I thrive on schedule and organization I can’t help but to be sad by the fact that my little man won’t be with me all day. We had such an amazing summer together and I love having him by my side.

Going back to school is seeming to be harder on me then him. There has been tears on both our ends.  It is a part of life though and we both need to let go a little.  I know some of you are thinking that I am crazy and are doing a happy dance now that you are kid free. I still have Olivia here so there is no kid free celebrations on my end. I am missing my boy, but also enjoying a little time with just Olivia without feeling guilty about not spending enough time with Chase.

Since Chase was little I have been writing him letters. Letters or notes for everything. Great job in therapy notes, birthday letters, graduation letters, back to school notes. So today I thought I would share my back to school letter. Some letters I give to him now and some I save for him to give to him when he is older.

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To My Chase,

Today, you are a second grader and you just turned 8.  This is something you have been reminding me of for months now, eager to be a big boy.  Last night you slept in my bed with me since daddy was out of town and we read, laughed and cuddle like any other night. As you fell asleep you said “Goodnight my mommy, I love you!  But ya know mommy I don’t want to go to school because I just want to be with you.”  Ok, cue the tears. My heart is breaking. Oh my sweet boy I wish I could be with you too, but it is a part of life and you will love it and when you come home everyday I will play with you and love you!

As I held you, I prayed like I do every night.  I also thank God, like I do every night for all that he has given me and for giving me you.  You have filled my life with more joy and purpose then you will ever know.  You are my inspiration, my light, my joy! Laying there thinking of all we been through, all you have been through and looking back and fast forwarding to now I couldn’t help but cry happy tears. You are now entering 2nd grade, you are speaking, thriving, even socializing and making friends.  Your first grade teacher said that you were an excellent student and that your knowledge is amazing. She said that you say the funniest things, which made me giggle. You are funny and you don’t try to be. You just have the best personality. I am so glad that you are letting others see you how I see you.  I am beyond proud of you and can not wait to see all that you accomplish this up coming school year.  How are you going to be in second grade already?

As we were driving to school today you asked me where your letter was.  I replied, “What Letter?” As I glanced in my rear view mirror I could see your face turned sad, you said “My first day of school letter, you always give me a letter when I graduate a therapy or a school letter remember?”  I thought to myself ah, yes I do. I hadn’t realized you remembered that, but of course you remember everything. That is the funny thing about this journey we have been on, you didn’t speak for so long, but you know everything and remember everything, sometimes even down to specific dates.  Your super powers as we call them are amazing, but sometimes leaves me in a scramble and caught of guard. So I told you that I will have your letter for you waiting in your room when you get home. You smiled at me, that beautiful excited smile and said “Mommy, I love your letters.”  

So here I sit trying to figure out what to say.  There is just so much that I want to tell you, however right now you may be to young to understand all that I want to say. Of course knowing you, you will understand it, you just aren’t ready for it. If you were ready for it I would tell you that I worry.

I worry about the everyday things most do…can you find the bathroom ok, can you get your shoes tied if they come undone, are you eating your lunch, are you speaking up if you need something. I think most parents have those worries. I though also worry everyday that people are understanding you, that kids are being kind to you, that you aren’t getting made fun of because you are scripting something or lost in your own world. I would tell you that my only wish is that people and children see you as I do and look past the things most consider as odd or different. I would tell you that I wish I could protect you from all the negativity that could come your way, but I can’t. I just have to have faith that you are surrounded by caring, understanding children and people. I wish I could be there to hold your hand and walk you through life, but I can’t be there all the time. I just have to have faith that everything will be ok as I always have.

If  you were ready for all I had to say I would explain this journey we have been on and how amazing you are. How incredible all you have accomplished is. You were just asked to be in choir, which normally they only take 3rd grade and up.  They said that you showed interest, maturity and get along very well with the older children.  Yes, I cried when I saw this letter.  I know you don’t know this or remember the days you were non verbal, but we struggled in every aspect of life, we struggled even finding you a typical school that would take a non verbal child at the pre school age. Therapy said that it would be beneficial to you so we tried, but so many times we were told they wouldn’t take you. We are so blessed we found a school that is perfect for you and took you when no one else would. I could go on and on and one day I will. I will explain it all to you. But for now I will write you the letter that you will see today and  I will keep your letter simple and sweet just like you.   

So here is the letter you will find on your bed when you get home with balloons and a bow. Maybe one day you can read all that is above and so many other things I have written for you.

Dear Chase,

Today is your first day as a second grader.  You have grew so much in one year.  You grew and about three inches taller and you amaze me with all that you learned. 

I love you more then words can ever express and I am beyond thankful that I am your mother, that I am the one who gets to watch grow, learn and explore this world. 

I am so proud of you!  You know more then most children your age, you actually know more then me most of the time, however you never act like it.  You are kind, funny, compassionate  and have the best heart.

I loved watching you with your sister this past year. You have taught her, nurtured her and loved her better then I could have ever imagined or have hoped for.  The sound of you two giggling together melts my heart and will forever be some of my greatest memories.  

You have overcome and accomplished so much this year.  Going into second grade I want you to remember a few things. Keep striving and achieving, however know that I never expect you to be the best or to come in first.  I want you to just be you, you always do the best you can and that is and always will be good enough for me. 

I want you to remember to always be kind, share, help others.  Remember that being different is ok.  That everyone is different and that is what makes this world so special.  Always keep in mind that you can accomplish anything you want in this life. If you are frustrated or struggling just take a deep breath in and deep breath out and take a moment. Even though you don’t like asking for help remember you can, that it is ok to ask for help. 

Lastly, remember that I am always here for you no matter what!  I will always be here for you to talk to, to share your joys and to comfort you in your hard moments.  I will be here cheering you on every step of the way.  You can accomplish anything you want in this life my sweet boy and I will always be here by your side through it all. 

After writing all of this I still have so much to say, we will save it for another day. It though has occurred to me that you will be able to read this without my help and that is just unbelievable.  You my sweet boy are incredible!  

A letter wouldn’t be complete with out this with out our saying…

I love you to the moon and back.

I love you always and forever and more then all the stars in the night.  

I love you so much my little bear! 

Love, 

Mommy